Golden Years? Yea, Right.

The only things golden about this time of my life are the perceived value of just about every damned thing I need.

Every time I take a nervous stroll down the meat aisle at the supermarket I’m reminded why there are so many reverse mortgage advertisements on the boob-tube these days. “Shit-ola,” it takes a second mortgage just to buy decent cuts of beef, and you damned sure better haul-ass out of the parking lot if you don’t want to get meat-mugged after spending the rent money.

I try to substitute chicken and pork for most of my meat intake, but hell, I’ve consumed so much chicken lately that my skin looks like I have had a serious plucking and I catch myself scratching in the dirt so much that I am wearing out my pecker.

Oh wait, I shouldn’t say pecker. I’m wearing out my… beak. Ah, that’s better. I don’t want to be a potty-mouth.

Oh, sure. I could lower my standards and go across the street to “gross-me-outlet” except I have a real issue buying packaged meat that looks like it was frozen in Tibet and shipped by yak train during the slow season. And, there is just something unappetizing about meat that has more bruising and visible veins than a geriatric soccer player.

I have heard stories about folks my age living mostly on those instant noodle cups, but with my already high blood pressure I worry that the excessive salt intake would launch my blood pressure readings so high that the inflatable cuff on my testing monitor would get a blow-out and scare me so bad that I crap my pants. Then I would be forced to use that cheap single-ply toilet paper we had to switch to and the “shit would really hit the hand.”

So, after a stressful visit to the supermarket, I am off to visit the pharmacy for some drugs. Not long ago the only pill I took on a regular basis was aspirin for the all too frequent hangover. Christ, now everything hangs over causing rashes and chafing and disgusting skin tag looking things that look like cheap special effects in a low budget sci-fi movie. I’m not going to list the disgusting places these skin-tags show up except to say that I have to be careful what I grab in the bathroom if I want any accuracy.

As for those old folks you see who seem to have a “condition” causing their heads to shake side-to-side, well here’s the truth. That head shaking is a body language gesture usually seen in older people. It is called the “WTF has happened to life” gesture. It comes from trying to make sense out of the crazy shit people are successfully cultivating every day. The only known treatment for this condition is a liberal dose of humor, and the occasional “STFU!” outburst.

Try to remember, criticizing or judging those old folks will either hurt their feelings, (shame on you) or target you with a blast of “potty-mouth” like you have never heard. After all, their generation didn’t sissy down curse words by cloaking them in disguises like “F-bomb,” “WTF,” “STFU,” or any of those other wimped out disguises. No, their description of your intelligence will leave no confusion about the meaning of their words. Afterwards, you will have no doubt about the value of “keeping your smart-mouth shut.” Something we can all apply, a little more often, to our words.

Now, it’s time for me to STFU.

Happy Weekend Everybody!



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