Gardening Time Once Again

Whatever smart-ass came up with the twisted idea to lump all edible crops together under the name “produce,” deserves a good mulching.

Why do I say that?

Because anyone who has ever tried to grow any kind of food plant or tree knows one certain truth; produce is just about the last thing any food crop wants to do without a fight.

Oh, sure, those perfect looking trees and plants appear so full of promise at the nursery, all packaged and labeled, but just you wait until you get them loaded into the car. Unless you have a climate controlled RV with an automated watering system and grow lights for the ride home, those healthy looking plants will start drooping like a three-pound cat after hacking up a five-pound furball.

By the time you get up to speed, cold-sweat drenches your body. It started when you swiped your credit card at the check-out stand, so turning on the AC seems less appealing than rolling down the windows. You tell yourself that a nice natural breeze is just what the plants need. In the weeks ahead, this logic will become the first of many feeble justifications you will use.

When you pull into your driveway and unload the plants, some look like boiled spinach. You are certain you told the nursery owner they had to be of the extra hearty variety, so you call for a refund.

How amazing. This man, whom you know so little, has picked up on your love of humor. He praises your wit between bursts of laughter and promises to look into the matter just as soon as he returns from the vacation you helped pay for.

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